It's the day after surgery, last night I was doing good because the pain meds were still in my system.  I had a lot of trouble sleeping and I woke up really stiff and in pain today.  My boyfriend had to help me out of bed when I needed to get up and go to the bathroom.  =(  The codeine didn't help for pain at all. I'm doing a little bit better now, just uncomfortable and achy.  My throat hurts from the tube being put down it during the surgery.  I'm just a big baby lol.  I am proud of myself for facing one of my biggest fears.  Glad it's over with and that I'm on the mend physically.  I'm going to lay down for a bit, see if I can take some of the pressure off of my lower back and abdomen.

I moved my therapy appointment to Thursday (tomorrow).  I'm glad that she can see me before my surgery.  I'm still nervous but I'm also happy that it's going to be over soon.  I'm not quite sure what all to expect but the doctor and the nurses have answered all of my questions about it and were very nice and considerate.  I'm also more at ease with it now because my doc is very knowledgeable and experienced.  He is also very thorough and will take time out to make me comfortable because of my anxiety.  It all seems so different from a year ago when I first moved back home.  I'm able to get out of the house more and things don't seem so bleak anymore.  I'm not cured or anything but I am really working on getting myself out of this rut. 

My meds are still working for me, I haven't had any really bad days in a while.  It's really good to feel somewhat like myself again.  For quite some time I was feeling more like a shell of a person and that there was no point to anything.  My thoughts have changed and the feelings have followed.  I am not saying that I wont have bad days, but this is much better than the previous two years of my life.  I am learning to no longer blame myself for things that have happened to me in my life and I am taking responsibility for my actions and the people that I had hurt in my past.  I am also beginning to build my confidence back up and stand up for myself when I have mostly been somewhat of a doormat to selfish or controlling people.  I consider myself a good person, but I'm not perfect, and that is ok!  We all make mistakes, we don't need to spend our lives beating ourselves up mentally or physically (or others, for that matter).  I am learning to move on from past mistakes and to look forward rather than backwards.

I took my ambien, but it has not been working as well as it had before.  I'm off to bed, hopefully I can get some decent sleep tonight! Goodnight. =)

Feeling much less anxietal about my surgery that I need done.  I'm going to try to call today and get it scheduled. Hopefully it will all be over soon. It's something I need to take care of before things get worse. I have a lot of support and I think I can do this.  I can deal with the pain after.  It's just the anticipation that is the problem. I just gotta keep telling myself that I CAN do this! =) Eep!

Heading to my therapy appointment soon.  It's just an initial visit but hopefully it will be good and I will get some future appointments set up with her or him.  Slight anxiety this morning but my meds should be kicking in soon. I'm happy to be going today.  =)

Things are going well today.  I got the energy up to do the dishes and help around the house. Yesterday I had the flu which made me feel yucky but it got better.  I haven't been depressed or hopeless feeling at all and I have had barely any anxiety! It's like a breath of fresh air. =)  I'm starting to get together in my head what I want to make plans for in the future and I am surrounded by good people.  I hope that this feeling continues! I know that there will probably be ups and downs and I'm not done with the struggle to return to normalcy yet, but it's a good start.

Well,  I made an appointment for a therapy session for Friday.  I ended up requesting a discharge from the partial program AMA (against medical advice).  I did this because I really don't think that it was helping me. In fact, it was increasing my anxiety and agitation. I was around patients that were doped up on medications. Most of them didn't even want to be there or be in the group therapy. If I am in group therapy, I need the other people to want to be there so the groups are more productive and I can get real information.  I need one on one time to be able to work through my issues.  The psychiatrist was not happy that I decided to leave the program but when I feel like something is hindering me more than it is helping me, I will do what is necessary.  Obviously in my past this was not the case because I was not thinking clearly.  I will admit that sometimes even now my thoughts seem muddled or I am overwhelmed with the anxiety or depression from the anxiety. 

However, the meds are helping me. I really feel like I am doing better because of them.  I am thinking more clearly now and I do have the motivation to get the help that I need. I didn't feel like I was in the right place in partial treatment at all.  Part of the therapy was to play yahtzee for an hour. I have time for leisure activities at home, since I have been agoraphobic for quite a while.  I don't need to go into a program for six hours a day to waste time.  I need a personal treatment plan and long term therapy.  The doctor told me that basically I was trying to avoid the program or avoiding responsibility due to my anxiety.  I know that is not the case, I've been slowly (on my own) taking baby steps to get outside of my comfort zone.  That is why I could even go to partial in the first place. 

The advice that I would like to give to anyone who stumbles across these words is this: Sometimes it's hard to do what is necessary to help yourself if you are in a tough situation.  Sometimes you look to everyone around you for answers and help.  It's ok to ask for help, but you need to be willing to accept the help.  If no one is willing to help you, then you have to help yourself. Take that step.  Accept that there are things that you cannot control in your life (such as your past or medical problems, other people, etc.) and accept that there are also many things that are in your control.  Work on the things that you can control rather than dwelling on or feeling overwhelmed by the things you cannot control.  Have a support system.  If you are feeling really depressed or suicidal call someone! Anyone who will talk to you, anyone who can bring your mood up or relate to you.  If you don't feel like you have anyone to talk to you can call the Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255 Even the kindness of a stranger and the willingness to listen can help.  There is something that you can do.  It's not worth it to feel like that.  It is really a permanent solution to temporary problems and you CAN do something about that, you can change it!

The meds are making me really spacey.  I also don't really feel emotion at the moment, more like agitation or irritability. Tapping my foot constantly and feeling slightly dizzy.  Not looking forward to partial on Monday.  I hope it's better than it was on Friday.

Came back from partial. My anxiety spiked and so did my agitation. I couldn't have a cigarette all day. =/  Stupid addictions.  So they gave me more meds. Now I'm on Buspar, Cymbalta, Ambien, and Vistaril. I hope those meds work.  I took my first dose of Buspar and I feel strange.  I'm diagnosed with Dysthymia, Borderline Personality Disorder, and PTSD. Doc says my anxiety is due to my PTSD. It's going to be an uphill battle for sure. I was not comfortable today in partial at all.  I was highly anxietal and irritated. Probably because I couldn't go have a smoke.  Hopefully Monday will be better.  I just want to get on the right track and feel better.  I felt somewhat belittled by the psychiatrist who tried to insist that I had substance abuse problems.  Alcohol to be more specific. I haven't drank in years.  I hate drinking now, my body just can't handle it.  I just wish that maybe he would have listened to me more.  Maybe it's also me feeling attacked because of my overwhelming emotions at the moment. I don't know, I will continue in hopes that things will get better. Thanks for listening.

Going into partial today.  I'm really nervous about it. =(  I guess I will see. I hope that it's going to help me.

At some point I will write my story on here, when I'm ready.  I had a doctor's appointment today and I had been feeling miserable. In pain and just fatigued. I wrote down a list (quite a long one) about what has been happening with my body.  He told me that he thinks all of my pains are coming from my anxiety.  I had taken an ativan so I wasn't freaking out at this point, somehow I feel like that isn't right.  Maybe my pain and other problems are anxiety related but I feel that this has been happening since before I had major anxiety.  He prescribed Cymbalta.  Hopefully that will work? We shall see. 

I've also decided that because of my major depression and just wanting all of my pain and problems to go away, I need to go to some form of treatment.  I've applied for a partial program in the behavioral health services in the hospital.  I go in for my assessment tomorrow.  I'm hoping that I can get some form of treatment and coping techniques.  The gal told me that it's somewhat of a group therapy.  Since I have never been to therapy before and I seem to get more nervous around people I don't know... I don't know how I will handle that. I'm willing to try, something's got to give.  I've had an increasing amount of suicidal thoughts and I'm just plain depressed.  I guess I wouldn't be here if I didn't want it to get better right?