Well,  I made an appointment for a therapy session for Friday.  I ended up requesting a discharge from the partial program AMA (against medical advice).  I did this because I really don't think that it was helping me. In fact, it was increasing my anxiety and agitation. I was around patients that were doped up on medications. Most of them didn't even want to be there or be in the group therapy. If I am in group therapy, I need the other people to want to be there so the groups are more productive and I can get real information.  I need one on one time to be able to work through my issues.  The psychiatrist was not happy that I decided to leave the program but when I feel like something is hindering me more than it is helping me, I will do what is necessary.  Obviously in my past this was not the case because I was not thinking clearly.  I will admit that sometimes even now my thoughts seem muddled or I am overwhelmed with the anxiety or depression from the anxiety. 

However, the meds are helping me. I really feel like I am doing better because of them.  I am thinking more clearly now and I do have the motivation to get the help that I need. I didn't feel like I was in the right place in partial treatment at all.  Part of the therapy was to play yahtzee for an hour. I have time for leisure activities at home, since I have been agoraphobic for quite a while.  I don't need to go into a program for six hours a day to waste time.  I need a personal treatment plan and long term therapy.  The doctor told me that basically I was trying to avoid the program or avoiding responsibility due to my anxiety.  I know that is not the case, I've been slowly (on my own) taking baby steps to get outside of my comfort zone.  That is why I could even go to partial in the first place. 

The advice that I would like to give to anyone who stumbles across these words is this: Sometimes it's hard to do what is necessary to help yourself if you are in a tough situation.  Sometimes you look to everyone around you for answers and help.  It's ok to ask for help, but you need to be willing to accept the help.  If no one is willing to help you, then you have to help yourself. Take that step.  Accept that there are things that you cannot control in your life (such as your past or medical problems, other people, etc.) and accept that there are also many things that are in your control.  Work on the things that you can control rather than dwelling on or feeling overwhelmed by the things you cannot control.  Have a support system.  If you are feeling really depressed or suicidal call someone! Anyone who will talk to you, anyone who can bring your mood up or relate to you.  If you don't feel like you have anyone to talk to you can call the Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255 Even the kindness of a stranger and the willingness to listen can help.  There is something that you can do.  It's not worth it to feel like that.  It is really a permanent solution to temporary problems and you CAN do something about that, you can change it!