Feeling tired today and also somewhat strange.  Not sure how to describe it.  I just don't feel like myself today.  I dyed my hair black/blue.  I do like it, it looks more natural than the blonde I had it before.  It's definitely way dark.  I'm pretty spent from today. Dyed a friend's hair a black/violet color. I can't wait to see how that turned out. =)  Not much to say, working on some worksheets that my therapist gave me.  Hopefully it will help.  I'm not looking forward to all of the memories that it will most likely bring up. It will be a mental struggle, but I'm willing to try.  Forgive me if I seem off lately.  I think the Trazodone is affecting the other meds I am taking.  I don't feel as good, sometimes I get depressed again for a while.  It doesn't last, but my mood hasn't seemed to go up.  I'm more in a state of neutrality.  I hope that I can get the meds balanced out to work for me.  Well, that's all I really have for now.  Good night!

First off, I apologize for not posting for a while.  Things have been going well.  I am healing well from the surgery with virtually no pain.  I have been put on a birth control pill to regulate the hormones in my body.  I'm also taking trazadone as a sleep med.  It is helping me sleep but I am feeling somewhat disconnected as of late.  Things seem to bother me less while other things seem strange to me.  Not sure if the trazadone is going to work out because it is causing headaches and the Cymbalta and Buspar don't seem to be working as well with it either.  I'm having a bit of anxiety sometimes, I am not sure if that is my body getting used to the medications or if it is the combination of all of the pills I have to take daily.  I am missing some of my best friends and feeling somewhat like I am still not able to get out there and take control of my life yet.  I do want to work on that and be able to go see some of my friends that I really value but do not have the money or gumption to go see.  I am taking baby steps. I don't want too much too fast, the last thing I need to do now, with all of the progress I have made, is to retreat.  I do have some down days but they are way fewer than before. 

I have been able to cope with things slightly better, I am able to think more clearly most times.  Another side effect of the medications is that I find myself being forgetful and unable to process some of the thoughts going through my mind.  I feel confused some of the time.  I've never really been that way and I am not sure I like it.  However, the racing anxietal thoughts have subsided for the most part. 

I was told by my therapist today that she really thinks that I have a form of OCD.  I think that I have known this for a long time now.  She said it can play into my anxiety.  I used a lot of things (like lists and organization) when I have felt that I had lost all control in my life.  I felt inadequate when I couldn't find a job or work because my anxiety was too much to handle at that point.  I felt like a failure.  I kept asking myself, well, why can't I do the things that I have always been able to do before? I still do have some of these feelings, I really want to get back up on my feet.  I just need to relearn how to think and cope with my feelings and the world around me.  I will try to update as much as I can whenever I feel like I need to get some of this out.  I cannot express everything I wish to, as that is much more private than I want to post in the public eye.  However, I am open to discuss or confide in my close friends and family about my personal challenges and feelings, along with why I am the way I am today.  Thank you for listening and caring.  I appreciate that.

It's the day after surgery, last night I was doing good because the pain meds were still in my system.  I had a lot of trouble sleeping and I woke up really stiff and in pain today.  My boyfriend had to help me out of bed when I needed to get up and go to the bathroom.  =(  The codeine didn't help for pain at all. I'm doing a little bit better now, just uncomfortable and achy.  My throat hurts from the tube being put down it during the surgery.  I'm just a big baby lol.  I am proud of myself for facing one of my biggest fears.  Glad it's over with and that I'm on the mend physically.  I'm going to lay down for a bit, see if I can take some of the pressure off of my lower back and abdomen.

I moved my therapy appointment to Thursday (tomorrow).  I'm glad that she can see me before my surgery.  I'm still nervous but I'm also happy that it's going to be over soon.  I'm not quite sure what all to expect but the doctor and the nurses have answered all of my questions about it and were very nice and considerate.  I'm also more at ease with it now because my doc is very knowledgeable and experienced.  He is also very thorough and will take time out to make me comfortable because of my anxiety.  It all seems so different from a year ago when I first moved back home.  I'm able to get out of the house more and things don't seem so bleak anymore.  I'm not cured or anything but I am really working on getting myself out of this rut. 

My meds are still working for me, I haven't had any really bad days in a while.  It's really good to feel somewhat like myself again.  For quite some time I was feeling more like a shell of a person and that there was no point to anything.  My thoughts have changed and the feelings have followed.  I am not saying that I wont have bad days, but this is much better than the previous two years of my life.  I am learning to no longer blame myself for things that have happened to me in my life and I am taking responsibility for my actions and the people that I had hurt in my past.  I am also beginning to build my confidence back up and stand up for myself when I have mostly been somewhat of a doormat to selfish or controlling people.  I consider myself a good person, but I'm not perfect, and that is ok!  We all make mistakes, we don't need to spend our lives beating ourselves up mentally or physically (or others, for that matter).  I am learning to move on from past mistakes and to look forward rather than backwards.

I took my ambien, but it has not been working as well as it had before.  I'm off to bed, hopefully I can get some decent sleep tonight! Goodnight. =)

Feeling much less anxietal about my surgery that I need done.  I'm going to try to call today and get it scheduled. Hopefully it will all be over soon. It's something I need to take care of before things get worse. I have a lot of support and I think I can do this.  I can deal with the pain after.  It's just the anticipation that is the problem. I just gotta keep telling myself that I CAN do this! =) Eep!

Heading to my therapy appointment soon.  It's just an initial visit but hopefully it will be good and I will get some future appointments set up with her or him.  Slight anxiety this morning but my meds should be kicking in soon. I'm happy to be going today.  =)

Things are going well today.  I got the energy up to do the dishes and help around the house. Yesterday I had the flu which made me feel yucky but it got better.  I haven't been depressed or hopeless feeling at all and I have had barely any anxiety! It's like a breath of fresh air. =)  I'm starting to get together in my head what I want to make plans for in the future and I am surrounded by good people.  I hope that this feeling continues! I know that there will probably be ups and downs and I'm not done with the struggle to return to normalcy yet, but it's a good start.