Feeling tired today and also somewhat strange.  Not sure how to describe it.  I just don't feel like myself today.  I dyed my hair black/blue.  I do like it, it looks more natural than the blonde I had it before.  It's definitely way dark.  I'm pretty spent from today. Dyed a friend's hair a black/violet color. I can't wait to see how that turned out. =)  Not much to say, working on some worksheets that my therapist gave me.  Hopefully it will help.  I'm not looking forward to all of the memories that it will most likely bring up. It will be a mental struggle, but I'm willing to try.  Forgive me if I seem off lately.  I think the Trazodone is affecting the other meds I am taking.  I don't feel as good, sometimes I get depressed again for a while.  It doesn't last, but my mood hasn't seemed to go up.  I'm more in a state of neutrality.  I hope that I can get the meds balanced out to work for me.  Well, that's all I really have for now.  Good night!

First off, I apologize for not posting for a while.  Things have been going well.  I am healing well from the surgery with virtually no pain.  I have been put on a birth control pill to regulate the hormones in my body.  I'm also taking trazadone as a sleep med.  It is helping me sleep but I am feeling somewhat disconnected as of late.  Things seem to bother me less while other things seem strange to me.  Not sure if the trazadone is going to work out because it is causing headaches and the Cymbalta and Buspar don't seem to be working as well with it either.  I'm having a bit of anxiety sometimes, I am not sure if that is my body getting used to the medications or if it is the combination of all of the pills I have to take daily.  I am missing some of my best friends and feeling somewhat like I am still not able to get out there and take control of my life yet.  I do want to work on that and be able to go see some of my friends that I really value but do not have the money or gumption to go see.  I am taking baby steps. I don't want too much too fast, the last thing I need to do now, with all of the progress I have made, is to retreat.  I do have some down days but they are way fewer than before. 

I have been able to cope with things slightly better, I am able to think more clearly most times.  Another side effect of the medications is that I find myself being forgetful and unable to process some of the thoughts going through my mind.  I feel confused some of the time.  I've never really been that way and I am not sure I like it.  However, the racing anxietal thoughts have subsided for the most part. 

I was told by my therapist today that she really thinks that I have a form of OCD.  I think that I have known this for a long time now.  She said it can play into my anxiety.  I used a lot of things (like lists and organization) when I have felt that I had lost all control in my life.  I felt inadequate when I couldn't find a job or work because my anxiety was too much to handle at that point.  I felt like a failure.  I kept asking myself, well, why can't I do the things that I have always been able to do before? I still do have some of these feelings, I really want to get back up on my feet.  I just need to relearn how to think and cope with my feelings and the world around me.  I will try to update as much as I can whenever I feel like I need to get some of this out.  I cannot express everything I wish to, as that is much more private than I want to post in the public eye.  However, I am open to discuss or confide in my close friends and family about my personal challenges and feelings, along with why I am the way I am today.  Thank you for listening and caring.  I appreciate that.