March 01, 2013

It's been one week today since I’ve stopped taking most of my medications.  
 
 
Withdrawal sucks!
But it’s getting better each day...
It will continue to get better.


Working on documenting my journey through withdrawal from hope to hardship and back.
Coming soon…
 

Advice We Could All Use


February 28, 2013

This, I feel, is the best way to describe this to anyone that doesn't have BPD
 The Burn of Borderline Personality Disorder
 From Mind.org.uk
Marsha Linehan, an American psychologist and author uses a great analogy to describe what Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is…

“ People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90 percent of their body. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement”.

Try to imagine that third degree burn, over 90 percent of your body, a physical wound, one that is painful, raw and sensitive; suppose someone tries to put a lotion on that wound, a wound that cannot be touched without causing intense agony. Imagine the pain that you would have to endure just to begin the healing process.

Now imagine the same for an emotional wound.

Physical wounds heal, some may leave a scar; emotional wounds leave scars too, but sometimes emotional wounds don’t heal, they are left, open to infection, open for others to touch, open to cause the most intense pain.

Try to visualise a world which consists of only black and white; a world where grey ceases to exist.  A world which has no middle ground; it’s either all or nothing, good or bad.

For some people with BPD, good days are overflowing with beauty.  They become creative, inspired by life, they live in a world of complete and utter perfection.  They are on a high, living in a euphoric state, the world is unblemished; their life is flawless.

And then come the bad days, they overflow with anguish and suffering. Their once perfect world has now become empty and broken. They are lonely and frightened. The inspiration they once had has disappeared and they feel like a complete failure. The good days are now so distant; they can no longer be remembered.

They over analyze words and actions. They lose control of their lives; they become self destructive, unreasonable and paranoid.  They can’t focus, can’t concentrate, can’t sleep and they become irrational in their thinking and behaviour. They believe that everyone around them will leave; abandon them. They can’t ever see it getting better, they feel trapped, suffocated; they can’t breathe.
They have no self-esteem, no self-worth; they hate themselves.

They feel that they no longer have a place in the world; they no longer want a place in the world.  Life is unbearable. They want to die just to stop the pain.

Then, they feel elated, euphoric, back in the perfect world and the cycle continues.
People with BPD are very often misunderstood, they are categorised as over-sensitive, dramatic and attention seeking. Everything they say or do is misconstrued.

Have you ever looked at someone with BPD and thought exactly the same?

Imagine having BPD just for a day. Imagine seeing life through the eyes of someone with this disorder…

Someone thinks you’re ‘needy’, with BPD; you just need to know you’re loved.

A person points out your flaws, with BPD, you already know your flaws, you obsess about them, all of the time.

Someone tries to encourage you by pointing out how you could improve on something, with BPD, you only hear the words, ‘you’re a failure.’

Somebody doesn’t ring you when they said they would, with BPD this means they’ve abandoned you.

Somebody asks what you could possibly have to be depressed about, with BPD, you now feel ashamed for feeling this way.

Someone tells you to stop being so negative, with BPD, this only intensifies how you feel.

People tell you that the bad days will pass; with BPD you feel that they don’t understand.

Someone tells you that they’re too busy to see you; with BPD it means that you have become a burden on them.

Someone changes your routine; with BPD they’ve upturned your world.

Look again at somebody with BPD, what is it you see now?


February 27, 2013

Oh it's been such a long time since I've written here,  I am a little more lucid now.  I will be able to write more soon.  I hope!

=)

July 16, 2012

Been a long time since I've written here.  Getting ready for bed, hallucinating on Ambien.  Thinking about passing out.  Dogs are all snuggled up and Matt is finishing his work.  Time is passing somewhat quickly, but I'm content in the moment.  I'm pretty sure that my meds are messing me all up.  Going to request to try some different meds.  I feel dissociated and neutral.  I go from a high to a low rather quickly sometimes.  Therapist is out of town for 3 weeks.  Going to try and find an alternative method.  One of my best friends is coming to stay with us for a while here soon. I'm really excited about that. My birthday is soon as well, I'm hoping that Matt and I can treat ourselves.  He doesn't seem that interested in doing much for our birthdays.  I guess he is 9 years ahead of me. Hopefully I can make it special for him though. Things have been majorly up and down and in and out lately.  Not sure what's going on with my mind or my body.  It is rather frustrating, hopefully I can finally get into the doctors since I got my insurance and cards all straightened out.  Well, that's all for now.  I will write more later when I'm not heading to bed.

Rest peacefully, broken ones.

March 12, 2012

Feeling tired today and also somewhat strange.  Not sure how to describe it.  I just don't feel like myself today.  I dyed my hair black/blue.  I do like it, it looks more natural than the blonde I had it before.  It's definitely way dark.  I'm pretty spent from today. Dyed a friend's hair a black/violet color. I can't wait to see how that turned out. =)  Not much to say, working on some worksheets that my therapist gave me.  Hopefully it will help.  I'm not looking forward to all of the memories that it will most likely bring up. It will be a mental struggle, but I'm willing to try.  Forgive me if I seem off lately.  I think the Trazodone is affecting the other meds I am taking.  I don't feel as good, sometimes I get depressed again for a while.  It doesn't last, but my mood hasn't seemed to go up.  I'm more in a state of neutrality.  I hope that I can get the meds balanced out to work for me.  Well, that's all I really have for now.  Good night!

March 10, 2012

First off, I apologize for not posting for a while.  Things have been going well.  I am healing well from the surgery with virtually no pain.  I have been put on a birth control pill to regulate the hormones in my body.  I'm also taking trazadone as a sleep med.  It is helping me sleep but I am feeling somewhat disconnected as of late.  Things seem to bother me less while other things seem strange to me.  Not sure if the trazadone is going to work out because it is causing headaches and the Cymbalta and Buspar don't seem to be working as well with it either.  I'm having a bit of anxiety sometimes, I am not sure if that is my body getting used to the medications or if it is the combination of all of the pills I have to take daily.  I am missing some of my best friends and feeling somewhat like I am still not able to get out there and take control of my life yet.  I do want to work on that and be able to go see some of my friends that I really value but do not have the money or gumption to go see.  I am taking baby steps. I don't want too much too fast, the last thing I need to do now, with all of the progress I have made, is to retreat.  I do have some down days but they are way fewer than before. 

I have been able to cope with things slightly better, I am able to think more clearly most times.  Another side effect of the medications is that I find myself being forgetful and unable to process some of the thoughts going through my mind.  I feel confused some of the time.  I've never really been that way and I am not sure I like it.  However, the racing anxietal thoughts have subsided for the most part. 

I was told by my therapist today that she really thinks that I have a form of OCD.  I think that I have known this for a long time now.  She said it can play into my anxiety.  I used a lot of things (like lists and organization) when I have felt that I had lost all control in my life.  I felt inadequate when I couldn't find a job or work because my anxiety was too much to handle at that point.  I felt like a failure.  I kept asking myself, well, why can't I do the things that I have always been able to do before? I still do have some of these feelings, I really want to get back up on my feet.  I just need to relearn how to think and cope with my feelings and the world around me.  I will try to update as much as I can whenever I feel like I need to get some of this out.  I cannot express everything I wish to, as that is much more private than I want to post in the public eye.  However, I am open to discuss or confide in my close friends and family about my personal challenges and feelings, along with why I am the way I am today.  Thank you for listening and caring.  I appreciate that.